There’s no easy way for me to say this. It’s filled with doubt and fear and that white-hot, liquid resistance that comes with speaking an uncomfortable truth.
I had to go back to my dayjob.
I couldn’t make ends meet with the business, couldn’t pay the bills, couldn’t hustle hard/well enough to sign on clients. I couldn’t make plans without going into hysterics because my financial stability evaporated the day I became self-employed.
So I had to swallow my pride, hang my head, and ask to be reinstated at the old job.
I know, I know.
What’s there to be embarrassed about? People work those all the time! You should be happy you had a job to go back to in this economy! Do you think you’re too good for a dayjob? Think of all the people you’ve helped; you’ve accomplished so much, so fast! Don’t worry about what other people think.
Yes, I’m grateful I had somewhere to go when money got tight.
No, I don’t think I’m too good for a dayjob,
Yes, I know I’ve touched lives and done a lot.
That’s not the problem. I’m not worried that folks will think I’m a loser, a failure, a fraud. For once, this is totally about me.
I’m disappointed in myself, at myself.
I’m embarrassed about failing my dream.
I’m gutted that I couldn’t make it work.
I’m ashamed for trading freedom for financial stability.
Ellie’s Big Dream is to be totally location-independent with a true vocation that nourishes my Self and more than sustains my needs. To do work that’s lucrative and creative while traveling the world. To be free of debt and spend mountains of money on enriching my life and the lives of others. To let it be easy, flowing, nourishing.
I thought coaching and community work and regularly giving of myself was the way to do it. To be a professional wise woman – that was the fantasy. But I couldn’t live up to it.
Maybe I’m not grounded enough. Maybe I’m too self-centred. Maybe I’m too young. Whatever the reason, I overreached, overextended, overpromised, and by the time I realized what I’d done, it was too late.
When the hammer came down, the logic went like this.
I don’t have enough money to pay the bills.
Coaching won’t foreseeably be profitable enough, fast enough.
I can reliably get the money if I go back to work.
I can’t work a dayjob and hustle a biz at the same time.
Paying bills right now is of primary importance.
I have to go back to work.
I need to close down the business
And that, my dear friends, means I’m right back where I started over a year ago – a blog, some followers, a menial dayjob, castles in the air, a mound of debt. I’ve lost the tenuous, tantalizing, handle I had on the Big Dream; it slipped away because I couldn’t cut it well enough, fast enough.
That is why I’m ashamed.
Not because I’m comparing myself to someone else’s success. I know where that leads.
Not because I’m worried people might think I’m a weenie. I’m not one.
Not even because I’m afraid I’ll be stuck here forever. I know a new handle on the Dream will appear.
It’s simply because this is not what my heart wants.
And that’s enough for now.