There’s no easy way for me to say this. It’s filled with doubt and fear and that white-hot, liquid resistance that comes with speaking an uncomfortable truth.
I had to go back to my dayjob.
I couldn’t make ends meet with the business, couldn’t pay the bills, couldn’t hustle hard/well enough to sign on clients. I couldn’t make plans without going into hysterics because my financial stability evaporated the day I became self-employed.
So I had to swallow my pride, hang my head, and ask to be reinstated at the old job.
I know, I know.
What’s there to be embarrassed about? People work those all the time! You should be happy you had a job to go back to in this economy! Do you think you’re too good for a dayjob? Think of all the people you’ve helped; you’ve accomplished so much, so fast! Don’t worry about what other people think.
Yes, I’m grateful I had somewhere to go when money got tight.
No, I don’t think I’m too good for a dayjob,
Yes, I know I’ve touched lives and done a lot.
That’s not the problem. I’m not worried that folks will think I’m a loser, a failure, a fraud. For once, this is totally about me.
I’m disappointed in myself, at myself.
I’m embarrassed about failing my dream.
I’m gutted that I couldn’t make it work.
I’m ashamed for trading freedom for financial stability.
Ellie’s Big Dream is to be totally location-independent with a true vocation that nourishes my Self and more than sustains my needs. To do work that’s lucrative and creative while traveling the world. To be free of debt and spend mountains of money on enriching my life and the lives of others. To let it be easy, flowing, nourishing.
I thought coaching and community work and regularly giving of myself was the way to do it. To be a professional wise woman – that was the fantasy. But I couldn’t live up to it.
Maybe I’m not grounded enough. Maybe I’m too self-centred. Maybe I’m too young. Whatever the reason, I overreached, overextended, overpromised, and by the time I realized what I’d done, it was too late.
When the hammer came down, the logic went like this.
I don’t have enough money to pay the bills.
Coaching won’t foreseeably be profitable enough, fast enough.
I can reliably get the money if I go back to work.
I can’t work a dayjob and hustle a biz at the same time.
Paying bills right now is of primary importance.
I have to go back to work.
I need to close down the business
And that, my dear friends, means I’m right back where I started over a year ago – a blog, some followers, a menial dayjob, castles in the air, a mound of debt. I’ve lost the tenuous, tantalizing, handle I had on the Big Dream; it slipped away because I couldn’t cut it well enough, fast enough.
That is why I’m ashamed.
Not because I’m comparing myself to someone else’s success. I know where that leads.
Not because I’m worried people might think I’m a weenie. I’m not one.
Not even because I’m afraid I’ll be stuck here forever. I know a new handle on the Dream will appear.
It’s simply because this is not what my heart wants.
And that’s enough for now.
Give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling; it's all 'allowed'. -hugs- And know that I will continue to be here with your blog, your business or whatever your next step towards the dream is.
*hugs* This is not a failure, love; it's just a bit of a setback. It's ok to have setbacks. Look at how much drive and insight you have! The Big Dream will happen, it might just take some time. Let's email soon, I have a feeling we can offer each other some support.
A dream is never dead just put in a corner because of life keep working on what you want and it will come.
Think of it as another way to touch people's lives! You're blessed to have so many opportunities to realize your full potential! You rock!
Awwwwww, Hun. I feel ya.
You know, I think everyone who has that big dream of self-employment feels the same way on some level. In fact, that's why many people never even try leaving the day job because there is the risk of failing and having to admit defeat. But, you have lived through that decision, and you go on to another day, able to make a new decision, which is kindof amazing and inspiring in a different way, I think. Thanks for letting us be part of your journey.
Oh, Ellie. *hugs you tight* You are doing important work, looking after your material needs by ensuring you have sufficient income. Ip prescribe (re)reading Danielle LaPorte's advice on big failure and big success: http://www.daniellelaporte.com/inspiration-spirit…
This just means something even more amazing than you anticipated is around the corner because you're pretty freakin' cool and what you have to share is also pretty freakin' cool. It'll happen. In the meantime, there's absolutely no shame in what you've got going on right now.
You've gone further and farther in your dream than I ever dared to in mine. You've inspired me a bit when my fires needed rekindling. I don't usually post my url, as I haven't posted anything new there in years, but I'm going to do that this time in an effort to spur myself on a bit. I know you don't need my platitudes, so I won't provide them.
Thank you for doing what it is that you do.
-Ext
{{Hugs}} – I hear your disappointment and embarrassment and frustration, hon; and I'd never tell you what you should and shouldn't be feeling.
But I love how even the title of your post talks about "dreams deferred' rather than "dreams denied". Your heart doesn't have what it wants right now. And that's sucky.
But it also sounds like part of you knows that just because it doesn't t have what it wants now doesn't mean it never will.
{{more hugs}}
TANJA
It’s okay. You have to pay the bills, but that doesn’t mean you’re giving up. You’re so brave for quitting the day job and strong for saying you need to go back to it. It’s all part of the spiral, right?
You live to fight another day. I, for one, am still profoundly proud of you and of the following/community that you've built up. You're a phenomenal chick and nothing can keep you down for long. Big squishes, my lovely. Also: I'm here to commiserate any time.
EllieDi!
I admire your honesty and gumption. (I was wondering why we hadn't see you so much on the forum.
This thought just came to me – "Transitions" by William Bridges, chock full of goodness!
Whatever the way, you're headed true north. You don't know where you're ripples end or intersect.
Love the new digs!
aw sweetie. you did not fail your dream. I follow "Women In History" on twitter, and today I saw a quote that kind of reminds me of this. It said, "God answers prayers in 3 ways. 1) Yes. 2) Not yet. 3) I've got something better planned." I'm not religious in that way, but it suits here. I think the Universe is just saying a combination of 2 and 3 here. You are most definitely talented and driven enough, and you've been working so hard. It just means you can relax a bit, knowing you have been working so hard, and something will work out eventually.
But I know what you mean about the day job. Just yesterday I had my review. I did amazing. For the first time in my life I'm in a really good place financially, and that routine is enabling me to actually write more. But for years I resisted the tedium of office work, the Mon-Fri daily grind. Then my cousin called yesterday – and he's fully supporting himself as an artist, about to film a documentary about artists traveling the country by train, for a month. I all of a sudden felt jealous, and guilty about taking this day job, even though I know, right now, that it is good for me, and helping me becoming debt free, and travel.
The paradox. I get it.
Sending love and support.
Ellie, I love ya, but bullshit.
You didn't fail. You're not back where you were a year ago. (That's a physics impossibility. Also a spiritual impossibility.) You're entitled to your feelings, absolutely – but they're resting on false assumptions.
I type these words with all the love and respect in the world – please keep that in mind. I think what's going on here is something I've seen in myself and a few of my clients – i.e., letting feelings dictate thinking – which is totally understandable in the early days.
The challenge is to move beyond those early days and get some objective perspective. So it didn't go the way you wanted it to. That doesn't mean failure at the whole enterprise – it just means your initial timeframe was off. It might mean other things could have been different and yielded a different result as well – I dunno, as that's for you to uncover. But I can tell you from traumatic, personal experience that if you view the whole thing as a failure, doing that kind of detective work will yield nothing positive, constructive, or useful.
(And you absolutely *can* work & promote a fledgling solo biz while holding down a day job. Whether you're in a position to do that, and to make the choices necessary to pull it off, is a different question – one to which there is no wrong answer, except the answer that's wrong for you.)
Mad respect to you for owning up to the feelings.
Pingback: Mara Glatzel » Body Loving Blogosphere 10.28.12
You are so brave, so brave to have left, so brave to come back to that job, so brave to tell us about it. Can I tell you a secret, well its not so much I secret when I tell you on here, but..I have been coaching for a couple of years now and it is still not paying the bills. I'm still not there. I've had to supplement in other ways and I still on some months come up short. Being self employed is not easy, but I think for you, for me and whoever wants to make it work, we will eventually find a way.
All I can say is wow. I pounced on this post immediately because my friend Jacqui Gates recommended it, and her word is gold with me. The shame my dear.. Is that you feel any shame at all in doing what you need to do to survive. Yours is a common tale, and one that more people with such GUTS and bravery should share, because it unites the commonality and can help bring those folks out there together who feel VERY alone. I guarantee you, that simply allowing your heart to open about this will attract many people who can totally relate. You are to be commended!
I'm totally with Annie on this one! Ellie girl, you are definitely not where you were a year ago and neither are you where you were yesterday. You've grown so much, have learned so many things, have helped and entertained us and we're here for you. This is just a stepping stone to where you will eventually end up – at Destination Dream Ellie!
Everyone's comments have pretty much said it all but I just wanted to let you know that your dream WILL come true. And I'm one of those people running a business/side hustle while I'm working so I know exactly what you mean so keep your eye on the prize, be smarter with time/priority management, and you'll have exactly what you want soon enough! *hugs*
Oof! I can feel the kick in the gut that you are feeling. I am not even sure how I found you Ellie Di, but I like you! You and I are similar in a lot of ways — I think anyways. I am about 6 months in to 'living my dream' and trying to get my 'self-employed sea legs' under me. I am loving it, but it is hard. Along the way, I wrote a book. It is an awesome book (haha), but when I entered it into a publishing contest it didn't fare too well. That was few weeks ago.
Now I am shopping it around, trying to figure out what is next. I have a few coaching clients but I would like more. I am trying to figure out how to get the word out. What I am saying is that I hear you.
And this post, this post right here? Some serious guts girl. Serious Integrity. Thank you for laying it down and leaving a standing invitation for everyone else to do the same thing. You didn't fail, you absolutely couldn't. And you will figure it out.
Much peace and love!
MareBare xoxo
Yo! I'm with Annie on this one to some extent. BEEN THERE – first 2 times I tried to start beginner dance classes, it epically bombed and I lost lotsa cash. But i tried again and it worked, and it's a nice little earner. It's taken four years of building up my dance business to get to where I am today: able to survive using my dance money and help from my superman to pay rent and bills. Which is both pants and epically awesome. But I am alive, and I am looking for an accompanying dayjob (lost my dayjob in feb) because, call me sellout, I miss having money to be able to, y'know, buy good food, have a social life and stuff. Self employed is TOUGH.
You is A OK lady.
Oh honey, I just want to give you a kiss. Last year, I bailed on a career path that was totally wrong for me. I had hoped that it would be the beginning of me kicking off a writing career and becoming super-successful off my own bat. Sadly, I had to face up to the fact that it's going to be a long while before I start making money off my writing, if that day ever comes. I had to go back to working the same job I had in high school, and I felt completely humiliated and depressed. Now, I realise that my job serves a purpose of letting me pay the bills and work on my writing with less pressure.
I really hope that things work out for you, and I'm sure they will. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You should be really proud of yourself for having a go, because that's more than most people do.
Holy MOLY! Mad respect and gratitude for your having shared this. I'm currently struggling with how to slice this pie (the job vs the biz) in my own life and it has me wrapped around my own axel. Just reading your reflection and struggle cracks open my heart and loosens up the all or nothing in my chest and throat. You are a stunning Wonder Woman to share this so we can share our own, either in quiet reading or comments. You are reaching your peeps. Remember: "Everything is progress." (Danielle LaPorte)
Pingback: {The “One Question” Series} Public Vulnerability and the Rebirth of Ellie Di « Being is a Verb