Noticing.Twenty-Three

  1. Rabbit, rabbit.
  2. I’m running slow after last night’s body adventure. 80% is enough. It has to be. Grateful for both the mercy of a mild episode and for the coffee sitting well.
  3. The end of the school year looms near enough to touch, hazy and dark. In previous summers, I had a meatloaf and then a doorstop, neither of which had expectations or much energy. Now there’s both, and momma doesn’t do well with spontaneity or large swathes of empty time.
  4. I’m learning how to parent by experience. Which is normal, it seems unfair to her. By the time I’ve grasped something, its season is over, my new ability useful only for building on. It’s frustrating to always be a step behind, to be unable to give what she needs when she actually needs it. Learning by experience means you are never at your best.
  5. By the time I get out my camera, she’s done doing whatever cute thing I was trying to capture. I try to be present in the moment instead of being sad I can’t document this part of her life with the detail I did in her first year.
  6. Another person’s struggle doesn’t invalidate your own.
  7. We stop everything to watch the rain. Thunder rumbles around the neighborhood. The wind spikes and fades. The rain plays percussion on the galvanized trashcan. She sits on my lap eating fishy crackers as we stare out the back door at the deluge. I tell her about the flood, about what makes things grow, about God washing our car. She feeds me crackers. We sit. We watch. Truce.
  8. And then I almost cut off my fingertip.
  9. Whenever I’m running late, I think about Mila Kunis sobbing in her car at the beginning of Bad Moms.
  10. “It’s not about “deserve”. It’s about what you believe. And I believe in Love.” Wonder Woman (2017)

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