Noticing.Thirty-Two

  1. She talked in her sleep for the first time last night. Sat up, said, “I need help,” in the sweetest, quietest voice, then turned around in her bed like a puppy and went straight back to sleep. Adorable.
  2. I’m tenderhearted in the wake of breakthrough. It’s my favourite phase in my spiritual journey; I’m wide open to hear, see, feel, and know God in deeper, more intimate ways. But it doesn’t last. All the more precious for its brevity.
  3. Finally submitting to the instinct that I need to cut inputs for a week. No podcasts, no audiobooks, change up the social media. This shouldn’t be a big deal, but it feels like silent death.
  4. There’s a brief but crowded moment between opening the can and taking a drink in which I’m suddenly not sure if I grabbed a strawberry fizzy water or a PBR and what exactly does that say about me.
  5. So why are you sat at home? You’re not designed to be alone; you just got used to saying “no”. So get up and get down and get outside. Cos it’s a lovely sunny day, but you hide yourself away. You’ve only got yourself to blame. Get up and get down and get outside.
  6. My inside source tells me the job I’ve wanted for five years is open again. And applications are due in two days. I shove a hand into the Evil Auctioneer’s face, deciding to apply even though I have no idea what I’d do if I actually got it.
  7. She’s laughing hysterically, her little voice hiccuping out of control as I splash a handful of water in her face. “‘gain!” she squeaks out and pours another slug of bathsuds into my cupped hands. Most of it leaks out between my fingers but I oblige. She laughs so hard she falls over. Now I’m laughing and there’s water everywhere and for a while, there’s nothing else that matters.
  8. He comes home just before bedtime. We both expect a tantrum–she gets so excited to see her daddy after he’s been gone all day that him showing up when they can’t play often results in a total meltdown–but instead, she climbs in his lap to read stories and gives him big slobbery kisses and then goes to bed with barely a peep. It’s a taste of a life we wish was normal for us. But a taste is enough for now.
  9. I realize that I take 4 out of 5 showers at the gym these days. If I went more than twice a week, it wouldn’t be quite as worrying. It makes a nighttime shower at home all the more luxurious.
  10. Why do I do this? How can I not?

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