Noticing.Thirty-Six

  1. 40K Saturday + Father’s Day Sunday = Lost Weekend
  2. Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to You. (Ps 143:8-10)
  3. Two years in and it’s still shocking how much power her sleep (or lack thereof) has over my life. She wakes up at 5am and I’m furious. I go in and she screams at me because she’s tired. I pick her up and she lays on me in the chair. I’m thinking about things I want to be doing: journalling, devotionals, bank books, sleeping. I let them go one at a time. There is nothing more important than this–her little body snuggled on my lap where it won’t fit much longer.
  4. He stays unexpectedly. Half a day off, half a day working from home. We reminisce about when we lived downtown, talk about what we would give up to have him home nights again.
  5. I watch a teenage boy fling a full McDonald’s soda into the front yard of an elementary school. The older woman with him, whom I assume is his mother, doesn’t even stop talking. They stroll down the sidewalk as if nothing has happened; I sit in my car at the stoplight, eyes bulging, holding my breath to stopper the vicious tree-hugging parental scolding bubbling up.
  6. New printer, same stack of junk on top.
  7. The floor is sweating.
  8. I feel stupid for being sad about a desk, but my eyes burn anyway. It’s just an object, I tell myself, a thing that can be replaced. I can get another one when we have the space it needs. Don’t be so materialistic. But the grief is for more than wood and nails.
  9. “If it had once eluded me by its distance, it now eluded me by proximity–something too near to see, too plain to be understood, on this side of knowledge. […] Now for the first time I felt that it was out of reach not because of something I could not do but because of something I could not stop doing. If I could only leave off, let go, unmake myself, it would be there.” from Surprised by Joy, CS Lewis.
  10. Well that didn’t go the way I wanted.

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