Noticing.Thirteen

  1. I sleep in an extra hour. She woke up at 2:30am, standing in her crib chatting to herself, falling back asleep after nearly an hour. I can’t.
  2. Sunlight sneaks around the half-pulled curtain and tilted box fan to play on the wall. It’s the shade of gold I think of as New Mexico.
  3. I sit down to my prayer journal for the first time in a week, ashamed but needing it so badly. The monitor pops on. She’s standing. I start crying. Mourning the loss of time, railing against the increasing friction between momtime and writertime, between two callings that refuse to share custody.
  4. She threw up in her bed. I assume from coughing but we stay home just in case. She coughs all day. Neither of us will sleep well tonight.
  5. Any mention of barf sickness makes me nauseated these days. It’s the stress from imagining being incapacitated like that while caring for a toddler.
  6. I take ginger for the stomach ache.
  7. The day is an unremarkable blur of kid movies and food prep. It’s actually kind of nice.
  8. The fireworks start just as her music ends. I pray she doesn’t wake up. Her sleep is already jacked up enough.
  9. Four days to explain my writing experience, share my passion, state my intentions, and write a 300-word devotional. NBD. *internally screaming*
  10. It’s been so nice having him home with us for the long weekend. I wish I could rewind time and enjoy it better.

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