There’s a definite pattern of separation and confluence in my life. Intimacy and mystery. Integration, disintegration, integration again. I want everything in its own box, easily findable and useable, far away. I want everything to be in one place, whole and universal, close.
That’s where I sit with this space (and the various others born from this pattern). This was my home, but now it feels like a foreign land. It’s me but not me. I’m in an integration cycle. I want one place, one identity, one voice, one stream. To pull in the feelers and consolidate them into a central, fully-me corner of the internet. All the sites, the posts, the tumblrs, the social media. Integration demands wholeness.
But is it the right choice? Because of how my brain works, I know that in six months or a year, I’ll be aching just has badly to break it all up for neatness and clarity as I’m aching for it all to be one now.
Ebb and flow.
I realize this is vagueposting, though necessarily so. After three months of devotional journalling in quiet solitude, it’s time for me to step back into the world. But I’m not sure I’m ready. I’m not sure you’re ready.
I feel like the Hero returning from their journey. Coming home again after adventuring in the dark, emerging victorious against adversarial forces, bearing wisdom and riches to share. But the Hero is never the same person when they return as when they set out. The journey changes them. And sometimes those they love most, those the Hero wants most dearly to hold close and be safe with, don’t recognize them. Sometimes, home isn’t home anymore.
I’m standing at the edge of the place I left, wondering what will happen when I walk back in the door with scars on my hands and dirt on my face and a pack filled with strange and wonderful things to share with you. The journey, this time away, has changed me. And the fear keeping me from moving is that you may not like the person I’ve become.
But until the Hero returns, the journey isn’t complete. There may be other adventures on the horizon, a life filled with comings and goings and change, but one adventure must end before the next one can start. The Hero has to face an uncertain welcome, confront the old with the new, and deliver the treasure they’ve won, no matter how it’s received.
It’s time for me to come home.