How do you measure a year?

Mackenzie vs bubbles

Today, my daughter is
1 year
12 months
52 weeks
365 days
8,760 hours
525,600 minutes
31,536,000 seconds
old.

7 seasons of Deep Space 9
6 seasons of Bones
5 seasons of Once Upon a Time
4 seasons of Community
3 seasons of Brooklyn 99
1 season of The Wiggles

9 novels
1 memorized Sleep Book

3,000ish diapers
46 inches
21 pounds
7 teeth
6 words
4 animal noises
1 hip brace

Newborn Mack

I thought I’d mark the occasion with a profound essay, as is my wont. But I’m not entirely sure what to write. Jokingly, I’ll say I’m too tired to think or I still have babybrain, but if I’m honest, it’s because–possibly for the first time–I’ve had to be so present in the moment that there isn’t time for the level of navel-gazing I prefer. I haven’t decided how I feel about that yet.

Mackenzie with ? block

When Mackenzie was seven days old, I turned to my mom and said, “This week has been the longest day of my life.” That feeling hasn’t gone away. I can’t understand how time is passing; my inner chronometer tells me it’s barely been six months. How can a single winter morning never end and it already be spring again?

There are days that when she wakes up she’s different than when she went to sleep and it stops my heart a little because time is slipping past without my permission.

The cliche is true: The days are long, but the years are short.

I can sleep anywhere

I’ve been stretched, torn, broken, erased, and spent. I’ve also been expanded, healed, strengthened, refreshed, and empowered.

I don’t feed myself well, I’m having trouble walking again, and I just get so angry. I also never get tired of Blue’s Clues, I carry her everywhere, and I once ate scrambled eggs that fell out of her mouth.

Sometimes I wish she’d never been born. Sometimes I cry because she’s so precious.

Today, we are one.

 

4 Comments

  1. Gaby

    May 10, 2017 at 8:49 AM

    very beautiful written how true all these feeling are but there are more feeling to come more questions you ask yourself more droughts of what you should of done or what you should of not done.But bottom line the little ones are a gift of God their love to you is unconditional. Give them love and respect and the rewards are greater than any words can tell you Love Gaby

  2. Deb

    May 10, 2017 at 9:23 AM

    I’m sitting at my desk at work crying. You are the most amazing woman I know.

  3. Susabelle

    May 10, 2017 at 9:45 AM

    Very well written. The days do seem long, but so short. Enjoy her, for every moment. She is your precious, and always will be, above all things. Yes, even above Lino. 🙂

  4. "Mamma Nell"

    May 10, 2017 at 2:23 PM

    Children definitely take you out of yourself into God’s love!!! If that’s your choice!!!! You chose well, and with the support of God’s church family, you got to know Father God’s heart and more of your own!!!! A beautiful exchange happens with the arrival of children- less of you, more love for kids and an all out dependency on God!
    Love you & Lino lots!! ” Keep on with the ” child rucking”!!!

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